freelance

Some Poems & Some Updates!

Hey, guys! It’s been a super busy week with a lot¬†going on! So I thought I’d do a little post to update you on what’s happening and I figured I’d also throw a few poems in here for ya as well. Enjoy! ūüôā

First Things First…

The Etsy Store!

Many of you may remember last week I finally launched my Etsy store, Kat’s Curious Boutique! In addition to everything available when the store opened, I’ve also got some new paintings up for you to take a look at and buy if you’re so inclined. I’ve included a couple of the new ones below and will be adding some more later this evening. So pop on over there if you’re looking to spruce up your desk or wall with something spacey and/or magical!

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Next We Have…

The Podcast!

I’ve also now got my podcast up and running! It’s called Tales From the Other Side and each week, I’ll have a new episode where I read or tell you a spooky story (mostly ghost stories, but sometimes not). The first episode features Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Black Cat,” a story similar to “The Tell-Tale Heart” in its exploration of guilt and the psyche. Give it a listen and let me know what you think!

And Now That¬†That’s¬†Out of the Way…

The Poems!

As I mentioned the other week, I’m planning on getting together a book of poems to submit for publication somewhere before the end of the year. Here are a few rough drafts I’ve been working on and, as before, if you’re experienced with workshopping poetry, I welcome any constructive criticism you may have!

Full Tank 

in knowing how stupid we are
self-deprecation seems dull

i’ve got a full tank
and miles of open highway
but i’m tethered to
fear of the unknown

they say
it’s better to cross a line
than to stare at it the rest of your life

and even if he leaves you in las vegas
with no money and a broken axel
in the end it’s all worth it

(it’s¬†all worth it)

to feel something
than nothing at all

 

day 32 of unemployment

does it smell
like garlic in here
or is that
just
me?

 

the truth must dazzle gradually or every man be blind

you know the sweetest winds,
they blow across the south

through spanish moss & misty morning magnolias
through fields of cotton and tobacco
gently swaying strange fruit

the sweetest winds blow cross the south
where hot blood runs thickest
where turmoil & strife fly rampant
with truth stuck in earth’s red clay

two steps up,
three steps back

so bless our damn hearts
on the wings of those sweet southern winds.

 

third eye eye sore

who are you to sell your soul, baby?
whose skin is on these bones?

i’m searching for a giant smile
hidden deep inside me
i’m searching for the answer to
“where is home?”

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I quit my job, I have no plan, I can handle this. Have a nice day!

Monday, August 28, 2017, I did a lot of breathing exercises. I told myself every positive, forward-thinking mantra I could think of until finally settling on “I can and I will,” a simple but effective encouragement from¬†Jane the Virgin, for at least 30 minutes straight. Then I hit send on the message to my boss asking if he had a moment to talk.

Roughly an hour later, I was in his office explaining how I appreciated the opportunity he’d given me with the job (kind of a lie) but that I needed to take a step back and evaluate my life and career and how neither was going how I’d planned or even wanted (1000% the truth).

Today, Friday, September 1, 2017, is my last day at a job I’ve had for two years and hated for at least one. I made a Spotify playlist for the occasion (if you’re so inclined). In another attempt to prepare myself for Q-DAY (quittin’ day), I read a¬†lot¬†of posts with premises similar to this one. And they all had one thing in common that this one will not: they were all written by someone who spent 7-10+ years on Wall Street (or some equally high-paying job) and/or by someone with access to a trust fund. In other words, all written by people who had the means to take a year or two off, to travel and¬†really find themselves.¬†

That’s not me. I’ve got a phone interview today for a job entirely too similar to this one and I’ve picked up a temp legal assistant gig for a trial next week. But, other than that, I have no job prospects, minimal savings, and no idea what to do with myself about it.

I should be freaking the fuck out, no?

Oh, believe me, part of me is, but it’s a much smaller part than I could’ve ever imagined. In the past week, I’ve bombarded myself with enough thoughts of Plan Bs, Cs, and Ds that not knowing Plan A isn’t that big of a deal to me anymore.

I’ve been saying since basically September of last year that I didn’t want to still be at this job by my birthday in September this year. And like the true procrastinator I’ve always been, I’m cutting it pretty damn close. Especially considering I’ve also told myself, “I won’t be here by the end of the first quarter; I won’t be here by summertime; July is my ABSOLUTE LAST MONTH at this job.”

I said all of this, but there was always something that prevented me from actually quitting: not getting into grad school; getting a dog and having something depend on me for the first time; not getting that flight attendant job; not getting that other flight attendant job; etc., etc.

So maybe that’s why it seems appropriate that I got the kick in the pants I needed to quit while I’m doing a 28-day cleanse. The whole point of this pre-planned diet is to rid your body of toxins by developing smarter, cleaner, healthier eating habits. And it seems removing toxins from one area of my life has made the ones in other areas stand out that much more, made me that much readier to get rid of them.

The place I’m leaving has definitely been a toxic environment for me, one I’ve been stewing in for entirely too long. To be sure, a few of the people have been incredibly nice and supportive; and I’ve seen a few people thrive here. But with my experiences, I should’ve quit long ago and many times over. I lost my voice at a time when I needed it more than ever; as a direct result of this place, I’ve been too miserable for too long.

So maybe it’s the diet, maybe it’s Mercury retrograde, maybe it was hearing my mom’s friends say, “You shouldn’t spend the majority of your time somewhere that makes you depressed” too many (or just enough) times.

Whatever it was, I finally got the courage Monday to walk away and today I feel lighter than ever. I’m ready to rediscover my voice, I’m ready to see what I’m capable of. I’m even okay with stricter financial restrictions and looser employment definitions.

I’m flexin’ my wings and, for the first time, I know¬†I’ve¬†got this.

What I’ve Learned

There’s a reason I’m trying to be real with how little I have planned past the next week or so. Not to come off too dramatic, but I really have been living a half life for too long now¬†because¬†of the misery I’ve subjected myself to in this job. I’d wake up, go to work, be on autopilot all day because I hated what I was doing, come home crushed and exhausted (bad emotions take a toll, y’all), watch Netflix, and sleep. Lather, rinse, repeat. I didn’t go out, I didn’t do anything creative; I just kept myself alive and that was it.

For me, it was never going to be the case that I’d be able to pull myself up and out of these doldrums without removing their main cause. I couldn’t wait anymore for a safety net because it was becoming clearer and clearer that a safety net was what was already holding me back.

I suppose in the next month or so I’ll learn how right I was, learn how much I’m truly capable of without a plan. In the meantime, here’s what I’ve already learned in the hopes that it’ll help you, if you need, to leave a toxic situation, whatever it may be, safety net or no safety net:

  • You really. should not. spend the majority of your time. in misery. Sadness is a real, necessary emotion, but it should not a primary one.
  • Toxicity can be comfortable, but it will eat away at you for as long as you let it until you don’t recognize yourself anymore.
  • Meditation helps so much¬†in ways you may not even realize at first. Do it. Do it now.
  • Serotonin – the chemical that contributes to feelings of well-being and happiness – is produced primarily in the gastrointestinal tract (GI) a.k.a. the gut. In other words: eat better, feel better.
  • You have more [marketable] talents than you realize. Remember, “Bigger dummies than you…”
  • You have a bigger support system than you realize, more people cheering you on than you know. If you don’t believe me, at least count me as one of the people on your side. I believe in¬†you.

 

Shameless Self-Promo

So, as you’ve probably guessed, I’ll have quite a bit of free time in the upcoming weeks. If you’re interested in collaborating on anything (writing, film, painting) or need something edited, contact me! Let’s work something out!

 

 

Image Source: Oh My Disney