i waited a week to write about the election because i still don’t know what to write

i don’t know if i’m still feeling the lingering effects of shock or if i’ve actually given up hope or if being told i was “wrong” too many times on facebook has me too hesitant to move my fingers and type it out.

i just know i never expected this.

i can’t slink back to normal after a defeat like losers (in the literal sense) prefer because i don’t know what normal is now. and even if i did, this isn’t the normal i want to become accustomed to.

i want to help but i don’t know how.

i set up a meager $5 monthly donation to planned parenthood, which is about all i can afford right now so there go any hopes of helping monetarily.

i don’t know how to do anything but be here. i don’t know how to do anything but, as my own means of protest, be here standing against the wrongdoing i fear we’ll soon see, resisting the urge to sink into the easy life of a new normal, which i could do.

that’s the most obnoxious part i think. i have the privilege to pretend this is normal, to just fade into the background with the supposed majority. and so if i’m not actively and expressively doing anything to the contrary, that’s what it looks like i’m doing.

i don’t want someone to look at me and assume i was in the 66% of white women who voted for that man, if you can call him that.

but since i find myself at such a loss of words, with no direction with which to orient myself, i feel like the person who tries to help put the oxygen mask on others before putting on my own.

i’m struggling, but i can’t focus on anything other than the struggles of people i don’t know, of the people i don’t know how to help. and i am not prepared for any of this.

but i’m still here. i’m still trying to get oxygen masks on all of us, and hopefully soon i’ll figure out a more effective way to do so.

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